Today was an emotional challenge for sure! I woke up in a horrible mood and just wanted to shut the world out and not deal with any of it. If I could have stayed in bed all day and ignored my responsibilities, I probably would have! I really felt like I wanted to close my eyes and not exist, as bad as that sounds. I just felt so sad and overwhelmed by everything. I won’t go into specifics, but I wasn’t the nicest person to deal with this morning when hubby walked in the door (think anger ball). He knew I was in a bad state of mind and helped me a lot before he went to bed. As much as I’d like to have a nervous breakdown right now, I just can’t afford to! Too many people are counting on me. I had to suck it up and drag my sleep-deprived ass out of bed to get working on the mountain o’ dirty dishes, bottles, and sippy cups that were piled up in the sink. When P got in this morning, he was bitching at me about why I can’t keep up with the dishes (as in there should never be a single thing left in the sink). Yeah, he’s a bit of a neat freak too and I usually want the kitchen to be spotless as well, but sometimes it’s just too much to keep up with!

While I was working on the kitchen, hubby helped Q with breakfast and gave him a bath/dressed him. Then Baby G started crying and he had to get him up, change him, and feed him too. All during that time I was still working on the kitchen. It took me like an hour total time. When I was done and about to relieve hubby of feeding G (so he could get to bed), I said to him, “You see how long it took me to do that? Do you realize I never would have been able to clean up the kitchen unless you were here to help me do everything else?!.” He finally acknowledged that the whole morning routine is really a two-person job and that it’s extremely stressful when dealing with toddler tantrums by Q and then G crying in the background. If he’s bitching about having to help out now (while I’m still home on maternity leave), I told him just to wait and see how bad it really gets when I go back to work and I’m really stretched thin. His help will be needed more than ever! He will be the one responsible for getting the boys ready and to daycare in the mornings (all before he goes to bed himself). With the long commute I face every morning, I can’t do it or I’d be late to work all the time.

Anyway, things did get better as the day wore on and my mood changed significantly. You know I absolutely love my Mom to death, she is one of the most important people in my life. She’s my best friend really! And she helps me so much in SO many ways. But she can sometimes really harp on the negative, a trait which she has definitely passed on to me. So when I call her to talk (now on an almost daily basis), we just have a huge gripe fest about everything that sucks about life. With all the negativity in the air, I tend to get really very down (in to my dark place) about things and it’s hard for me to pull myself out of it. Attempts made by The Hubby to “cheer me up” just make me want to bitch-slap him. Seriously, because I feel like he isn’t being serious or mature about the issues we are facing! I feel like he just wants to bury his head in the sand.

I get so sad and angry about all of the stress in my life and then I have to step back and realize that while I feel pretty miserable at times- when it comes to the big picture, I really have nothing to complain about. I mean what is so terrible about my life anyway? We’re really not going through anything different than any other set of stressed out parents (with young children and a brand new home to maintain and not enough time/energy to do it all). None of us are seriously ill, we make good money, we have nice things, we have an extended family who loves and supports us immensely. What is there to bitch about? Of COURSE there is always someone out there who has it better- who has more stuff, has less stress, is thinner, is smarter, makes more money. But there’s also good people who have less than us. So really, I think I just need to put on my big girl pants and deal with it!

I’ve been off of work for 2.5 months now and I’m officially freaking out as the time left on my extended maternity/bonding leave is running out. Actually, I still have 6 weeks left but I’m seriously dreading going back to work (like all hell). I’m terrified really! I feel so incredibly stressed out as it is, I can’t imagine throwing The (ever demanding) Devil Wears Sag Harbor back into the mix! Plus add back in the daily 1-hour commute (one-way) in horrible traffic and the bitchy-ass admins I have to lead (I’m the senior admin). Oh, and what about all the other managers/engineers/technicians who will be back in my face demanding something with a deadline of like, yesterday and… fuck! I just want to pretend like I never EVER have to go back!

Whew, alright- deep breath Angela! Okay, I know I just need to chill and enjoy these next 6 weeks with my boys as much as possible. I’m just really depressed and scared right now because we recently found out Q is having a issue with speech delay. We had a feeling he wasn’t talking enough. His ped said he should have a vocabulary of like 20-50 words and already be making two word combinations. I can truthfully say he only says about six words on a regular basis. He points at things and pulls us over to whatever he wants. He fully comprehends everything we say, even long complicated sentences and requests. He actually does “talk” up a storm, it’s just in a strange gobbly-gook foreign language. He even uses intonation, so he thinks he’s having a real conversation with questions and responses. I used to think it was cute/funny but it got sort of creepy after a while! So the ped referred us to EI (Early Intervention). He was evaluated by a SLP (speech language pathologist) and he is definitely being referred for therapy. Basically, he’s 19 months old and scored in communication at a 13-month level. Overall he’s only about 25% delayed, so just barely qualified. But it’s still so disconcerting to know your child isn’t developing “normally”. I’m just grateful we’ve begun to address it early on and that he will be getting help.

In general, Q had a pretty good day today. He was happy and playful as usual, but he does have his little mini-meltdowns about stuff all day long. I guess that’s just part of being a toddler? I don’t know- it’s hard for me to know if he’s any more difficult than the average toddler or not. I’ve been reading a lot about toddlers with speech delays and I’m learning of ways to help him want to speak more words. He is trying, but his “words” are really hard to decipher. When the SLP came to evaluate him, she eluded to him possibly having problems with his tongue and mouth, which makes sense when you hear him try to say certain things. Also, the fact that he still drools often and holds his food in with his finger (all things I never put two + two together with). Today he was really having a good time saying “Ready, set, go!” and jumping off the couch. Except, he couldn’t really say it, it was more like “DEE, SE, GA!”. But he tries. Progress will be slow, but we can’t ever give up on him. The SLP said to reaffirm it whenever he says anything that even sounds remotely like a word or phrase. It will get him on the right track. So I just kept saying “Yeah! Good job babe! Ready, set, go!”. He has so much frickin’ energy, it makes my head spin! I wish I had half his energy, I would be rockin’ with the house cleaning!

Dinner time was a little bit of an ordeal. Thank goodness Baby G was already asleep for the night and not fussing or it would have been that much worse! As I was fixing dinner, Q was entertaining himself by doing his ready set go and jumping on the couch. Dinner was done and piping hot, Q’s plate/high chair were all set up and ready to go. Just as I was putting him in the high chair I realized he had liquid diarrhea running down his legs! It was EVERYWHERE! It was now all over my shirt, all over him, all over the high chair. Upon further inspection I realized that it was also all over the couch where he had been playing (thank goodness it’s leather and can be easily wiped down). UGH, it stunk so badly! What a way to kill your appetite! I wonder why he never eluded to the fact that he had an accident? Why he just kept playing with diarrhea running down his leg?!?! I mean, come on! Hello Mr. Stankybutt, surely you realize you seriously pooped yourself?! Nope, his goofy little ass kept on playing- not caring at all about the load of crap in his pants. He finally said “Uh-oh” when he realized that I realized he was a hot mess. So I had to run him over to the changing table and clean him up, then strip down the changing pad and everything else because the poop was just all over the place. I contemplated just putting him straight into the bathtub but our dinner was already on the table and getting cold. So I tried to “disinfect” us both with wet ones, clorox wipes and liquid sanitizing gel LIKE CRAZY! Finally, after 20 minutes of disaster clean-up, we got to sit down and eat. He ate really well and liked it a lot. But again, he was covered head to toe in pasta sauce (especially because I let him eat just in his diaper) . So off for another bath, throw in some laundry, clean up the kitchen again, tidy up the toy bins, story time (which he never wants to sit still for), and then finally night-night (he says night-night and waves good-bye as I put him in his crib and close the door). Whew 9pm- finally the day is over and I have some “me” time. If this was a work night I’d have zero energy to do absolutely anything but go straight to bed myself! It’s just extra hard because The Hubby works nights and is never around to help out in the evenings (or even during the day for that matter because he sleeps all day).

I really wish I could win the lottery so I could continue to be a SAHM, at least until both boys start school. Shiiiiit, I wouldn’t even be greedy! I don’t need MILLIONS of dollars! Just enough to cover basic monthly expenses and I would be happy as a clam. But I guess “you can’t win if you don’t play” and well- I’m a total realist. I ain’t giving money away on lottery tickets for something I have like zero chance in hell of winning! So poor and overworked I shall remain!