One obvious problem with the internet is that neurotic people (like me) can easily go about self-diagnosing themselves given enough “research” (aka: googling). I’m pretty damn sure I have OCPD. With the exception of a few symptons, this disorder fits me to a T…

So, what is Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder you ask?

Quick Summary:
While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder (OCDP) sounds similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are markedly different disorders. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything “right” often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:

• Need for perfection and excessive discipline
• Preoccupation with orderliness
• Inflexibility
• Lack of generosity
• Hyper-focus on details and rules
• Excessive devotion to work

Additional Information:
The potential for improvement with treatment is better for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder than for other personality disorders. A combination of medication and therapy tends to yield positive results.

A few other websites went on to talk about obsession with list-making (Hello, Post-it’s are my LIFE). Lists? Oh my- I am Queen of the Lists! I’m one of those people that has to make a list, to make a list. Seriously, it’s that bad. But generally-speaking, it’s almost a relief to know that the “thing” about me that I call quirkiness actually has an official name. But now what? Bring on the Prozac and group therapy? Been there, done that, held hands and sang the serenity prayer. I am now a non-believer in therapy, having been screwed by the system (long painful story from teenage years, will save it for a rainy day).

During my research of OCPD, I came across a few online tests and I can also add: borderline, paranoid, histrionic, and avoidant to the list. How the hell a person can rate high in both histrionic AND avoidant is beyond me!? So yeah, I’m not just messed up. I’m ALL SORTS OF messed up. At least I’m sticking to my motto of, “If you’re gonna do something, do it well”.

Right now, the only goal I have is to not allow my own fucked-upped-ness to overflow onto my children (and yes, I made that word up). I pray that my children don’t grow up with “issues” like the ones I had as a child, teenager, and even now as an adult. My husband has his own issues too. We’re both sportin’ baggage and we haven’t packed light! How will we overcome the dysfunction of our pasts, and persevere in breeding healthy, adjusted, confident little men? Lots to ponder…

I’ve been wracking my wee brain, trying to come up with a new domain name. I really feel like I need to start over, and this time not just by wiping out archives. I need to be all Madonna and reinvent myself. I’m in a funk, in so many aspects of my life - I’d bore you to tears if I went into detail. And mostly, I don’t think this domain name fits me anymore. First off, I’m not a “Girl” anymore. I’m a freaking WOMAN with big-girl, real world issues. I also hardly consider myself “Under Glass” since I rarely post anymore and what I share is usually carefully crafted (unless wine has been ingested, then anything goes).

I want to get back into regular blogging, something I haven’t done since before son #1 was born, Blogging is a definite catharsis for me. I want that release back! Right now, the stress is winning - winning big! And I’ve become somewhat of a space-case. Which is totally not me! I shamelessly pride myself on keeping my shit together and being sharp. Right now, the lines are blurred and I stopped having fun ages ago. I’ve become a danger to myself because I’ve noticed that my mental acuity is just not up to par. I’m making stupid mistakes, losing train of thought. I think this is happening because I’ve become a robot. Doing my due diligence to society - raising kids, working for Corporate America, owning a home, being a wife, lather, rinse, repeat. I’m stuck in the motions. My husband is stuck on the same spinning wheel with me. We know it and we’re trapped. It’s why we fight so much, why we’re so miserable, why we’re so unhealthy. We are hypocrites - trying to teach our children how to live a happy life when we aren’t happy ourselves.

I’m not so sure a new domain is going to fix all this! And of course I’m being sarcastic about that, it’s what I do best. All I know is that I want FUN back in my life, a tinkle in the eye. Of course, just being with the boys and seeing them grow is “fun” - but I mean doing something enjoyable for myself.

Too bad all the cool domain names are taken. Plus I’m having a hard time coming up with something that fits me, but isn’t too “young”. I want to keep it real. Being a Mom is the foremost identifier I have. But it’s not the only thing I am (I need to remind myself of this). So I don’t want anything with “Mom, Mama, or Mommy” in the title. Maybe I’ll just dust off an old domain I have that I never utilized for much? We shall see…

Oh and on a totally unrelated note… today someone (who wears high-heels often) said to me, “You must like being short! I never see you wear high shoes.” She’s referring to the fact that I wear Chucks a lot and probably would every day of my life if I could. But I’m like what the hell? So I USED to wear cute high shoes, but I was like 50 lbs. less than I am now. If you were a fatty you would not feel comfortable in HIGH HEELS either. It’s not like I’m throwing a party for myself because I’m 5′2″, but it’s not like I have the bubonic plague because of it either! I think being short is cute. It’s being short AND fat that sucks!

Why be grateful? Because though there is always a growing list of things, situations, and people to bitch about (i.e.: crappy commutes, biatches for bosses, kids always getting sick, I could go on…)… there are also so many reasons to be happy, grateful and humble. I feel like I really gotta make it clear that I don’t bitch and I don’t whine 24/7. In fact, IRL, most people think I’m pretty upbeat. I can put on a pretty smile, even when I feel like a sad lil’ cupcake. Why? Because I don’t ever want to come across as ungrateful for all that life has given me so far. Bitching is easy. Stepping outside your pity party and looking at the bigger picture is hard.

So in saying that, maybe I should delete my last post? LOL! I re-read and holy mama- talk about feeling sorry for yourself! Nevermind that I wrote it almost 2 months ago. I have a bad little habit of doing that. Dropping a bomb of a mood killer and then disappearing for a long time. Again- SCORPIO THING. In fact, I’ve been contemplating not only deleting this site and starting over- but getting a new domain entirely. I feel like I really need that fresh start. My attitude needs an adjustment for sure! I think I’m getting there though. I’ve been trying really hard not to bitch to family/friends about TDWSH. Don’t get me wrong, she is still a little pill to work for, she is still a diva with unrealistic expectations, but with the economy the way it is now- I realize there is NO room for complaining, I’m lucky to have a job!

So here I am. I haven’t posted photos of the boys in aaaages. They are so big now (Q will be 2 years old in just a couple weeks and G is 6 months)! My Q-man is really doing well with the speech therapy and the SLP is very happy with his progress. He talks so much more now and he’s asking questions and naming things all the time. Lil’ G is really starting to get himself a little personality. He’s just cute as hell, I must say. We have some super cute pics from Halloween. They were pirates! I’ll have to work on that (adds to AR list). I’ve also joined WW at work- so the neverending battle with weight loss ensues. I’ve lost almost 6 lbs. so far (big whoop, but hey- give me a break, I’m barely in week 3). Hell, it has been painfully slow, but I have to remember that it took a buttload of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Doritos during my pregnancies to get this mambo. I haven’t had a PBC in over 3 weeks. Do you know those suckers have 4 points for one little cup? I nearly cried when I read that. I LOVE Reese’s. That along with Doritos and popcorn = totally my kryptonite. Boy… I’m just all over the map with this post huh? I think that’s my cue for exit. More later!

It’s a Saturday night and I’m alone, kids asleep, eating chocolate, drinking copious glasses of wine, and listening to New Wave on my LaunchCast. Sounds like heaven? Yes and no…

I wish I could say I’m super copacetic and everything’s perfect. But it’s not. I don’t even know where to begin. I hate to be so negative. Especially after not having written in so long. But I’m sinking. Fast.

Let me give a preface to tonight, and why I’m partaking in so much vino… my Mom came up on Thursday night to help get ready for a visit from my Aunt and my Aunt’s best friends (Bea and Pearl). Those names sound OLD, but believe me- these chicks are super hip and so fun to be with! They are all hairstylists and totally on the up & up. So I was super excited that they were coming to visit! My Aunt has been best friends with these girls forEVER and I grew up knowing them. Basically, they’ve know me since I was a little girl, watched me grow into the woman I am today (whatever the hell that means). I haven’t seen them in ages and they wanted to come to my town to see our new house and meet my children. Plus, there is a major casino in my town and they all planned to stay the night there tonight and party. So my Mom came up a few days early to help me get ready (God bless my Mother). Boy, did we bust our asses cleaning, and cooking, and watching kiddos! My Mom said, “I don’t know how you do it! I’m exhausted and there’s two of us!”. NO FREAKIN’ SHIT. Raising a 21-month old and a 5-month-old, plus working a corporate job is a crazy-insane-lose-your-mind kind of stress. But also so fun and rewarding! It’s SO two-sided. Bad and good! Crazy and fun! Ugly and beautiful!

So I decided to play hookie and call in sick to work on Friday. TDWSH was in New Mexico and emailed me that she was going to take a vacation day on Friday, instead of working from the NM site, so I said FUCK THIS NOISE, and decided I was too ill to come in. I put my OOO notice on the ol’ laptop and looked forward to a day of pretending like I didn’t work for Corporate America. The being sick part wasn’t a total lie though, because I’ve been suffering with a kidney infection for the past week (on meds) and also had a periodontal cleaning the evening before (OUCHIE MAMA!). So Mom and I had planned to spend the day grocery shopping and cleaning, but ended up spending most of it at the vet with a sick cat (hello blood in the urine!) and rushing around like goons to get things done. In the afternoon, my Mom watched the boys for me while I FINALLY got to get my haircut & colored after like 8 weeks of the scariest roots eVER. I got myself a semi-emo haircut from a totally self-assured super young hairstylist whom I will probably go to again just because she makes me feel like I’m not that far away from coolness, just by sharing 60 minutes of gossip while she does my hair. The kind of girl with a pretty face, tiny butt, and raspy voice that makes you wish you were 22 and child-less again.

This morning my Mom and I spent the day cleaning, cooking, and trying to keep Q from undoing all our hardwork (read: fruitless efforts!). This afternoon, about 2pm they showed up and my Q went absolutely apeshit to have so many pretty girls giving him attention. I have NEVER seen my son behave like he did tonight! He was a sweaty hysterical, 21-month-old MESS of spasticness and slobber! He was like a hyper-super-spastic puppy dog! I swear to God, I thought he would have a heart attack! He was SO riled up and so excited to have so much attention! He was on full throttle all night.

The ladies and I drank a bunch of wine and beer, ate a really yummy homemade pasta dinner, and sat & talked for a few hours. Bet alas, it was time for them to leave me and head off for their planned night of FUN at the casino. Yeah, I couldn’t go Husband had to work and refused to take time off just so Mom could go play with the big girls. BTW, during this whole thing, Hubby was TRYING to sleep (poor guy), all amongst screaming kids and super buzzed, highly talkative chicas in the house. He left for work about 5pm and the girls left about 6pm. Since then, I’ve managed to drink another bottle of wine all by myself. It was such a crappy, unusual feeling to be the one left behind! The one strapped down with kids and responsibility. It was so unlike me. They remember the old crazy me. Hell, I remember the old me! And I think they even felt weird. They tried to downplay how much fun they were going to have because I think they felt bad for me. But hey, I got by when they left because HELLO! Wine! Kids are asleep! Feeling G-O-O-D! BUT… (there’s always a but)…

I feel so totally lonely! I really do. I feel like a lame ass saying that. But I do. I can’t help it. I have no friends. Online or otherwise. The few people that have tried to make friends with me, I’ve turned them down for outings because I’m just too crazy-busy being a cubicle monkey and mommy (in case you don’t know, husband works nights and I’m basically a single mom most of the week).

I even did a totally sad little internet search to try to find old “friends”. I almost contemplated contacting a few people from my past. But thought better! I hate to be the one to break the distance. I know so much has passed and changed. I know lives are so different now, but I would still LOVE to hear from those people. But it seems like I’m always the one reaching out. And I just feel like I can’t put myself out there right now. I have enough stress with finances, work, kids, husband, house, etc.

Hubby has been presented with an opportunity to go to day shift. But it would mean a 20% cut in pay. That’s astronomical to us! Like $1000.00 a month! We could not afford it. I would have to go back to full-time (I might have forgotten to mention that TDWSH let me come back from maternity leave on part-time status of 30 hours a week and Lord knows it has been so much better!). But even if I went back to FT, it wouldn’t be enough. Not only would we suffer financially, the kids would go from being in daycare 3 days a week to 5 days a week. It would hurt financially, but also on a personal level. We would have even less interaction with the boys. As it is, I personally only see them for a few hours a night on the weeknights. Hubby sees them even less. Basically, we decided it was really not a good option for us. So many cons and really only one pro.

So right now, I’m stuck here. Stuck being an almost single mom, who lives too far away from work, with too high of a mortgage to pay for, and has two young boys to care for and not enough time or energy to do it all. Stuck here with foreclosures all around us. With weight that is creeping up out of control. With health problems and sleep deprivation. I feel trapped. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I have lost all of my identity and that there are only distant memories of the girl I used to be. But most of all.. right now, I feel DRUNK. So off to bed I go, into dreamland (where I dream about the pre-kid cool days when I was hot and skinny and had a life)…

Well, I’m on day three of my reintegration back to cubicle monkey status. Of course I’ve already gathered up a mouthful of commentary to share about my [beloved] co-workers and TDWSH, but that’s a post for another day! I really wanted to share some more of the Etsy purchases that have come in. You know, from my little online shopping binge last month? I’m so unbelievably thrilled with the most recent arrivals. They are MARVELOUS! I ordered these beauties from Diane at Treasured Totes. She is a fabulous seamstress and such a pleasure to work with. Check out the goods:

My new tote bag & matching cosmetic pouch for work. So black, so pink, so me! I know all the women at work (and maybe some of the men too) are hella jealous of my fabulousness when I walk in every morning carrying this super cute tote:

I actually put both my USB thumb drives, reading glasses, a mini bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel (a must-have for every self-respecting neat freak) and many other goodies in the pouch:

Lots of pockets inside the tote to store my text pager (yes we still carry freakin’ pagers where I work, bah!), desk keys, badge, etc. The badge itself could take up a whole pocket, it’s got so much crap on it. You know how big corporations get all apeshit with badge attachments- mission statements, company “values”, safety reminders, etc. If I wasn’t so fat, my badge would probably cause me to topple over. Heh. Anyway, I digress…

And this is the amazingly cute sock monkey diaper bag set that I asked her to make custom for me. I think she’s only made two others, and the patterns were a little different. So it’s a OOAK! I’m so in love with sock monkeys right now. If I could decorate my whole house in sock monkey decor I would! Except I seriously doubt hubby would approve. But tell me these patterns are not so cute that you want to eat them!

Again, these were made by Diane at Treasured Totes. I’m totally pimpin’ her work because she’s really talented. I highly recommend her Etsy shop.